YES. You! The one with the guilty look on your face.
You farted, and I know all about it. Based on a recent double blind study, celiacs farted 3 times as often as non celiacs, and blamed the dog twice as often as the general population. To make matters worse, celiac farts are 1.7 times as smelly and 7/5ths as long as non-celiac farts. Don't ask me why, it's science.
The bottom line is, if you are a celiac, you know how to fart...and you do it. A lot. You have your own reasons. The most obvious one, of course, is because farting feels GREAT. It's fun, cheap and portable...and you can share it with your friends. How many other things are like that?
But lately, your dirty little habit has started giving us celiacs a bad name. One sniff and people already know you don't want a bite of their triscuits. You think it's soooo funny when you rip a real winner in the subway riding home from Risotteria, but civilized folks are scared to pull that finger of yours.
Actually, I love to fart...and so should you...but you need to know some basic information and follow a few ground rules:
- Gluten free substitutions fuel your farty butt...be careful...
- If you need to let loose a killer one, clap or create some other distraction - maybe knock over some books - and fart amid the clamor...
- If your fart was silent but deadly, blame it on the dog...this always works...
- Always fart carefully...let out a little to be sure it is what you think it is...
- Keep a can of Febreeze under your desk at work...after you have distracted everyone, cover your tracks with air freshener spray...
- Always insist on riding with the windows down...or, roll them up and turn on the heat...
If you don't agree with everything I wrote here, then you are a filthy liar...I know, because I smelled you farting before and think you should make peace with your farty celiac butt. Farts could someday serve as fuel for astronauts, so don't be such a bitch, I'm a lawyer.
